fighting words

Living for Christ means I must fight my sinful nature at every moment. It means choosing Christ and denying myself ALL DAY LONG.

It means I have to stop and recognize that when I am annoyed at someone/thing I must step back and question what is really going on in my heart. Why am I REALLY upset?

I've learned that in all likelihood it’s not actually because someone next to me is humming or laughing while I am trying to concentrate. What is probably going on is that I am frustrated or confused over something in my life that has nothing to do with my immediate situation. I’d say this is true about 90% of the time. Either way, regardless of the trigger and what I attribute it to, I am visibly annoyed.

For years I shrugged off my temperament as “this is just me, you either love all of me or you don’t; and if you don’t, I won’t blame you or care if you choose not to spend your time with me”.

But my actions affect others. My attitude creates either an environment of acceptance or an environment of tension. People don’t always have the choice to remove themselves from my company. The attitude I described above is not loving. 

Thankfully I am not alone. As I pursue a relationship with God, God is simultaneously, and more persistently, pursuing me. Loving me. Showing me grace. Answering my prayers when I feel my emotions running away from me. Giving me strength to let go and trust when I recognize that I once again am trying to seize control and take a path that makes me feel safe.

One of the most freeing prayers I ever pray is simply: “Help”.

This blog is an exercise in obedience. I alluded to that in my first post but I’m going to elaborate upon it here. This blog is me fighting my nature to hold my shame and fears close to my chest while I pretend to have it all together.

For years I meant to blog. There was a brief stint in high school where I dabbled in the world of Live Journal (or “eljay” as I cleverly obnoxiously referred to it). 

When I was in Russia and Ecuador writing was my connection to home. It was the way I communicated with the people who prayed for me and/or supported me financially and helped allow for my travel. When I returned to the States I was affirmed again and again over my writing. People I never expected told me they looked forward to my updates; that they shared them with others.

I used to think of myself as an open person, using these posts and my willingness to answer any question as proof; but I have realized recently that I am only open about the pretty things. The things that are not pretty that I share I do so in such a way that they are veiled and vague so I am not judged or discredited. I realize now that I share the messy things only when so much time has passed that I can tie things up neatly and say “but look how much I learned” or so that I am able to laugh them off as childish and behind me.

This is a problem.

Too often those things are not behind me. My flippancy is a sign that they are still there, I am just not dealing with them.

This is not only crippling me, but also crippling my relationships. I think it is crippling my witness and I am robbing myself of the opportunity, and shirking my responsibility, to stand before people broken and proclaim that “God still loves me…even despite all of this, Christ’s death on the cross is enough, I am forgiven”.

Just like it matters that I personally understand WHY I am annoyed and get to the heart of that and deal with it…it also matters that I share the brokenness that I discover. It matters that I claim it and stop pretending to have it all together.

I don’t know where the line is in regards to sharing life with others. I don’t know if there really is a clear-cut line. I think it takes time to build trust and I think we should protect the privacy of those who are a part of the messy parts of our stories.

We don’t have to share everything with everyone.

I won’t share everything on this blog.

But, I will continue to actively ask for help and search my heart for the areas where I struggle and allow myself to be open and vulnerable with others as the Spirit leads me.

That is why this blog is an experiment in obedience. It is saying yes to vulnerability. It is facing my fear of saying something wrong; of putting my name on something and having to account for it. Of saying something true and right and being criticized all the same. It is humbly admitting that I am not doing this on my own. 

Deep down I am a people pleaser. I want to control and protect my image and how people think of me.

I think we all do.

But, I also think we are all crying out from our souls for someone to be real with us…so that we can have someone to be real with in turn.