I am restless for reconciliation

Definition: Atonement- the reconciliation of God and humankind through the sacrificial death of Jesus Christ; reparation for an offense or injury. [Merriam-Webster]

I am restless for reconciliation; reconciliation in the lives of all humans and for the pangs of all creation; reconciliation for my restless heart and skewed self-worth; reconciliation for broken families; reconciliation for the hurt and hurting church.

“hurting people hurt people”…I don’t know who said this originally, but I know it wasn’t me. However, this phrase has become deeply personal to me over the past months. I have been meditating upon it heavily in the past weeks. We are hurting and, intentionally or not, we hurt.  

“Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).

Last week I participated in confession. I knew that I needed to do this for months. I knew who I needed to confess to. I was honest about my past hurting and hurt with a best friend. She has walked closely with me through a time of the deepest suffering and questioning I have experienced…so far…and I trust her. She is an incredible example of faith and trust and deep commitment and relationship with God. Tuesday night I chronicled for her, and for me, ten years of decisions I regret and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I explained, in detail, elements of ten years that I successfully convinced myself I would never have to deal with or return to. Ten years that were drenched in shame, misplaced self-worth, and marked by a grasping for control. I never wanted anyone to know these things. Not in a real way that displayed my brokenness. But now someone does.

There are people who were there with me through these times, so it’s not as if my life has been full of secrets…but I have always been a leader and I masked my choices and hurting to protect my reputation. In high school I led small groups at church and on mission trips. In college I led high school students and freshmen and sophomores; I led our student body and Aggie family. In seminary I am preparing to one day lead in the church and world in some way; even as I lead in it now. In the trenches of these times of my life I struggle to present myself in a way that appears that I have it all together. I am always desperately afraid of what people will do/think when they find out how much I screw everything up. Will they still respect me enough to want me in their life? Will they still respect me enough to allow me to lead?

Lately, I have been all about friendship; real, deep, messy, uncomfortable, life-giving friendship.  I don’t think we have enough of this in our culture- I still don’t have enough of this in my life. There are too many people like me; people who are desperate for others to see them for who they should be, rather than for who they are.

Our world is hurting and therefore we will get hurt; and that makes me want to protect myself. It makes me want to hold my secrets tight so that I can “righteously” convict others…so that we can be viewed as “worthy” of our callings. But when we are honest, first with ourselves and God, we are freed to experience redemption. We are freed to see and experience the power of God’s grace and reconciliation through the Son. We are freed to see that it’s not our place to convict. Over time, as we wrestle with God and with ourselves I believe God graciously brings people into our lives, or allows us to recognize those that are already there, who will love us despite the mess. People we can trust. I want to be that person for others because I am so grateful for those that have been that for me. I pray for that opportunity. What I have found through God answering that prayer is scary. Because, for better or for worse, if I expect people to trust me…I also have to trust them. I have to be willing to share and be hurt and be ready to forgive and to beg for forgiveness. That’s hard. That’s scary. I am not good at it. Some days I question if I really want to be.  

And then I am reminded. I am reminded of what trusting God with my shame has done. It has allowed me to be in relationship with my God in a way that I have yearned for since I was baptized at 9 years old. It has allowed me to have genuine relationships that are both challenging and encouraging. God has allowed me to earnestly pray to see and love others the way Jesus does. I have seen God faithfully answer that prayer as my heart breaks over and over for those hurting. God has provided friendship in unlikely places. God has provided the beginnings of the slow process of rebuilding relationships that I have cast aside for years.

So, I am restless for reconciliation. I am restless for this huge, faith-testing and faith-affirming reconciliation to be experienced personally by all in their deepest selves and their most broken relationships. I am restless for this because I believe deep within me that this is the essence of the life-giving power of the cross. The cross, and the relationship with God that it allows, fills me with love and hope…and I must share.