I should be writing a paper right
now. I should be preparing a presentation. I should be reading an ancient text.
I should be answering discussion questions. Instead, I am reading through old blogs and prayers.
Should’s are dangerous.
I should be over this by now. I should have
my future figured out. I should stop procrastinating. I should be a better
friend. I should be more independent. I should be deeper in community.
Should’s make me feel defined by
productivity and progress…or lack thereof. Should’s are a list of things I feel
I can accomplish by sheer will.
I can’t take
credit for this revelation. I keep reading about not succumbing to the
should’s. I read about it in blogs. I read about it in assignments relating to
my spiritual well-being. I hear it from across the table at lunch with a
friend. Yet, inadvertently I started this post with a list of should’s.
I should probably learn this lesson.
But I can’t.
Not on my time anyway. Not by my strength.
The fact is
there is no timeline. The fact is my growth is not by my strength.
Who defines
the should anyway? Certainly not me.
Except, that’s not true. It is me...at least partially. I think should’s come from my future
self--an idealized, subconscious image of who I could be if I would only do what
I should. This future self meets and exceeds everyone’s expectations. This
future self impresses God and is worthy of love.
The problem
is, on the days that I do actually accomplish a should…there is another one
just waiting to taunt me.
But who am I
now?
Who should I
be at 24 versus who am I at 24? Unfortunately I don’t have a clear answer for
either option.
The should is elusive and the am is fluid.
I get
frustrated when I can’t wrap my fingers or my brain around something. I feel
that I can’t claim something that I can’t articulate. If I can’t articulate who
I am, should I claim who I am?
So I pray. I
ask God who God is and I ask God who I am. And I don’t yet have many clear
answers, but it isn't as foggy as it once was. The should’s are starting to
fade and the am is beginning to take shape. I am learning to rest and enjoy the ride. I am learning who I am in Christ...slowly but surely.
Funny how
this happens when I finally at least attempt to give up control and productivity and let go of
what I think I should be doing.
And by funny...I mean humbling.
I wrote should 25 times in this post...how many times did you think/say it today?
