These last two weeks were brutal. A couple of those weeks
when it feels like nothing will possibly get done on time. Those sorts of weeks
that you look up when they are over and think…did that all just happen?
As these two weeks began Dr. Katherine Bassard preached a
sermon titled, “Put It on Pause” in chapel. You can watch it here if you want. She
reminded me of what I too often forget. I can ask God for help…in anything.
She painted a picture of the first day of school when her
son rushed trying to get everything together to leave on time. He couldn’t find
his keys. She sat quietly letting him work it all out. Then, he asked for her
help. She got up and together they found what he needed.
As I sat in the pew I knew that I would rehearse that message
many times over the next days.
While in India I talked to God about everything. We couldn’t find our friends? I prayed. Our train was pulling out of the station? I prayed. I ate stuff I’m allergic to from strangers in an airport? I prayed. I could do nothing to alleviate the poverty around me? I prayed.
And God heard me. And God cared. And God responded.
These were big things. My wellbeing and the wellbeing of
others depended on those prayers. Does God care as much that the things I must
get done during two crazy weeks are overwhelming me? Yes. Does God care that I’m
too anxious to sleep? Yes. Did God call me to these tasks? Yes. Does God do
exactly what I demand, whenever I demand it? No.
I wrestle with how to think about prayer. God is walking
closely as I learn and grow in our friendship. I oscillate from acting like a
demanding child to making requests with the “thy will be done” clause at the
end. In the first case I feel too brazen. In the second, I know that too often
I am trying to absolve myself of some responsibility.
I worry a lot. I can’t focus on the task in front of me
because my mind is far ahead in the future where there isn’t enough time to
actually get everything done.
But when I pause I remember that I am told not to worry.
That God cares for me just like the birds and the lilies. Usually just remembering
doesn’t make things better. God and I have to dig around to find the root of my
worry. Typically I am concerned about how I will be perceived if something isn’t
done on time, or how I’m going to function with so little sleep.
I stop and breathe. I name the things that I know I cannot
do on my own (read: everything) …and then I stop trying to do them on my own. I
ask for God’s help.
It feels petty to pray for an email to come at just the
right moment. But, when you’re coordinating 5 interviews – one of them across a
10.5 hour time difference – it matters. Not because my work needs to be timely
so my reputation stays all shiny. But because God called me to use my gifts –
talent and time – to write a piece that glorifies the work that is being done
to build the kingdom around the world.
These past two weeks, I was overwhelmed by God’s grace. I
felt seen. I saw God answer the “smallest” prayers. I felt renewed as I took
deep breaths and set aside my to-do list to celebrate friends and to reminisce
on journeys. I saw emails come in just at the right moment. I ran into people
that I really needed answers from just in time. You can call these things
coincidences, but I don’t.
When I tell you that I took a test, wrote an article, gave
two presentations, hosted a dinner, celebrated a baby and an engagement,
finished my homework, had meaningful conversations, found time for the gym,
discovered key pieces to my future mentoring plans, processed God’s healing
work through trusted friends, and so much more…and I finish with “by the grace
of God”…I mean it.
There is no other explanation. And just like I paused to ask
God for help, I was also blessed with a lot of time in a car to and from Austin
to pause and thank God. Not just for the emails, but for the ways God makes me
new each day. For the way God is working in the lives of the people I love. For
the journey God allows me.
God is good. God is gracious. God is faithful.
I am thankful.
