devil's snare

“God, I don’t trust you.”

That prayer banged around my head as I fell asleep Monday night. It bubbled up out of my heart. It was an honest confession I discovered through my attitude and actions over the preceding days.

It was a truth I didn’t want to hear. It was a truth that hurt to confess.

God asked me to wait for a couple of things. He promised it would be ok. It will work out. I just need to wait and be faithful to whatever he asks during this time.

But to be honest, my plans make more sense to me. My plans end with my pride intact. My plans come to fruition much quicker than God’s. My plans are under my control…and I like that. Control comforts me.

As Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone nears its climax Ron, Harry, and Hermione free fall into a black hole. Harry jumps first. The landing is soft. He calls the other two to follow. Ron jumps next. He and Harry banter about how lucky it is that someone provided a plant to break their fall. By the time Hermione lands next to them the tendrils of Devil’s Snare are securely wrapped around their legs. They don’t even notice until Hermione points their situation out as she herself struggles to safety. She racks her brain to remember anything she can about this plant. It likes the cold and the damp. Harry suggests fire to drive it away.

My anger was a soft place to land. It felt good to be mad at situations. It felt good to vent about things hurting me. It felt good to hear friends comfort me and validate my hurt.

I’m slowly learning to fight. I don’t have siblings, and my house growing up was pretty peaceful. I’ve never been a yeller. I feel deeply, but I struggle to name what I am feeling. Intense emotion scares me because I don’t really know what to do with it. It makes me feel out of control. For years I used the word “frustrated” to skirt around the fact that I was actually mad, or hurt, in a situation. I am learning to be more honest about how I feel. I am learning to do the hard work of discerning what I am feeling and why. I often find fear.

Part of this journey includes how I interact with God. Am I allowed to be mad at God? It seems like I should be grateful and respectful to God…not angry. What happens when I am angry with God? What happens when I am confused and hurting and God’s plan and timing are the reasons?

I think it’s ok to be honest with God about my feelings…even when they are negative.

I was upset with my roommate the other day. She hurt my feelings by scheduling something over part of some plans we made. I am generally annoyed when people don’t follow through on their commitments… if I had my way everyone would fall in line with my plans all the time… but that wasn’t the real issue. The real issue was that I was looking forward to these plans and our time together is short before she graduates. It took me a while to articulate to myself what the real issue was.

My brooding over this situation was a soft place to land. It felt good to be pissy and self-righteous. But I could feel God tugging at me. Asking me why I was really upset. Inviting me to light a fire and purge my pride.

She knew I was upset. Eventually we talked things out. I expressed how I was feeling…and why. She explained the choice she made and how she was feeling too. Nothing tangible changed after our talk. She kept her new plans and I respect that. Her choice was prayerful and I trust that it was the right one. 

I walked away from the conversation thankful that our friendship is such that we can be honest and understand one another just a little bit more in the process – I think she would say the same.

My anger with God, my pain in this time of waiting, is sometimes a soft place to land. It’s counterintuitive – I know that. But, at least being angry is active. It feels like I’m accomplishing something. That if I shout loud enough something will happen. I can sit and stew in this situation because it is a complaint I know well. It is one I cry out again and again. Somewhere along the way it became comfortable.

Like a two year old in the grocery store gripping a sugary cereal there comes a point when all I’m really doing is making a scene. I’m drawing attention away from the goodness of my Father who knows what is best and is present as I wait.

At some point I have to name the issue… “I don’t trust you”…and seek peace, even though it’s hard. I need to be honest with God. I need time to cry and process. But, I must also remember that soft place to land will eventually become toxic. I need that fire to shine light on the reality of the situation.

“I don’t trust you” wasn’t the last phrase on my mind before I fell asleep that night.

My final prayer was one of surrender…

God, I confess that I don’t trust you… my actions and anger show that. I want to trust you though. Please help me, I cannot make this happen on my own.

I was still pretty pissy on Tuesday. Just because I said those words the night before doesn’t mean that I was ready to really change anything. I hit snooze multiple times. I debated not going to school at all. I didn’t prepare for class and I was fairly annoyed with anyone who interacted with me.

By 2:20pm I was convicted. Somewhere amidst sermon illustrations and a prayer of thanksgiving for our very breath I realized that the way I was choosing to act is sin. God offered me the fire I needed – in a way only He can. God was present with me. But I was choosing to ignore the way out and sit on the plant that I knew would eventually strangle me.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione had a lot left to accomplish after they escaped the Devil’s Snare. None of it was easy, it took sacrifice and community and they had to learn many lessons over and over before they were done.

None of those things could happen until they named their soft landing for what it was and moved forward out of its clutches.